How can you use the art of negotiation
to improve your married life and put an end to fruitless arguments?
Learning
how to negotiate
is an essential skill if you want to reverse the downward spiral that started
when arguments began taking over your relationships.
The big
difference between a negotiation and an argument is that negotiation aims to
produce a mutually beneficial outcome for both parties involved. Arguing
on the other hand, is more focused on dominating and controlling the other
party.
Fair negotiation requires effort,
patience and most of all – love!
There’s
a big difference between the two, so don’t believe that you’re “good at
negotiation” if you often resort to intimidation or raking up old history to
“win” an argument.
Truth be
told, no one really wins arguments in married relationships because,
invariably, arguments produce emotional baggage that can affect both parties for
months, or even years.
How can you become a persuasive
but fair negotiator?
Negotiation
doesn’t have to be complicated or overly complex. You don’t have to be too
analytical to create great outcomes when negotiating with your spouse.
Here are
some essential guidelines that will easily help you become a master negotiator:
1. Stand Ready for Conflict – The presence
of conflict is normal in any relationship, especially
in intimate relationships.
When two
people make a mutual decision to commit to an exclusive relationship and they begin
investing different types of resources to make the relationship meaningful and
viable, both individuals feel entitled to certain things within the
relationship.
When
opposing needs, desires, beliefs and values collide, is when conflict arises. Don’t
worry – as long as you don’t make conflicts the focal point of your marriage, your
marriage still has a fighting chance to recover fully!
2. Keep it Clean – When two people talk
about their differing opinions it’s also normal to feel like you’re entering a
battlefield and the other party is the enemy.
If you
feel this way when conversing with your spouse, identify the exact moment when
you feel this way and do something to change it. Negotiation is not about
fighting, dominating or abusing the other party.
Negotiation,
more than anything, is an acknowledgement of “fair footing” within the
relationship. When two parties are on equal ground and make a mutual decision
to treat each other fairly, compromise and mutually beneficial solutions are
created more easily.
3. Negotiate Only When Needed – Negotiation
requires a lot of time, energy and patience so don’t open a negotiation if
you’re not dealing with a significant problem within the relationship.
For
example, if your spouse likes playing heavy metal music while driving three
hours to his in-laws, you can probably get good results by just talking to your
husband about your heavy metal-associated headaches.
However,
if your finances are suffering because your spouse refuses to work, that would
be the perfect scenario to start a negotiation as soon as possible.
4. Leave Emotions at the Door, Please – If
you’ve been following my blog posts thus far, you may have already picked up a
few lessons about the negative impact of raw emotions in an intimate
relationship.
Raw
emotions have absolutely no place in a negotiation. There is no alternative;
you either have to “leave them at the door” or don’t negotiate just yet. Don’t
try to negotiate when emotions are running high or you feel too hurt to even
talk properly.
If you want to become a good negotiator, you simply have to express your needs and concerns in a way that doesn’t dominate or emotionally harm the other party.
Again,
this can be quite challenging as people have a general desire to “get back” at
their spouses for actual, or imagined, slights. Because of this natural
tendency, you have to practice a very high level of restraint to ensure that
your emotions will not get in the way of the actual negotiation.
What should you do if your spouse
is too emotional?
Don’t
use your spouse’s emotional outbursts as a weapon against him/her. Do your best
to calm your spouse down or inform him/her that you will not talk unless there’s
peace on the table. Sometimes, negotiating another day is a much better choice
than trying to negotiate with someone who is too angry or frustrated to think
straight.
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