How can you properly manage an
unreasonable and/or resistant spouse during a negotiation?
When
you’re negotiating with your spouse, it is assumed that things haven’t been
going so well and you’re negotiating because you both can’t find common ground.
Negotiation is reserved for major problems and issues that can literally crack
a marriage in half.
Instead
of choosing the “easy” path of arguing with your spouse until he/she gives in
to your demands or storms out on you, I advise troubled couples to set aside
their raw emotions and differences so they can rediscover common interests on
the negotiation table.
What things can get in the way of
a successful negotiation?
Unfortunately,
there will be times when even your best efforts at negotiating with your spouse
will not produce mutually beneficial results.
Below
are some of the major obstacles that can get in the way of a successful
negotiation, in general.
1. Your Spouse Holds Many Aces – It’s no
secret that in some relationships, only one person holds the “aces” like ownership
of the car, house and being a major contributor to the family’s finances. It
can be easy for such a person to dominate his/her spouse because of his/her overall
contributions to the marriage and to the family in general.
If your
spouse has a tendency to dismiss your needs and desires because he/she has a much
bigger hold on the family’s finances and other vital components that keep your
marriage moving forward, you may be tempted to just lash out or get aggressive
just to be heard.
This
approach may sound attractive to some people but in my analysis, it will only
cause more problems as it would somehow reinforce the idea that you shouldn’t
be allowed to make decisions because you’re not coming from a logical premise
(e.g. raw emotions vs. logical decision making).
Instead
of resorting to arguing, use the mutual benefit model instead. Here’s an
example of this type of scenario:
James
and Janie have been together for many years and they have 3 kids that are all school
age. James was laid off several years ago and was unable to find decent work so
he chose to stay home and take care of the kids.
Janie
had a regular, well-paying job so she was able to support everyone in the
family. However, in recent months James wanted to acquire new skills. He wanted
Janie to pay for a certification course so that he could become a board-certified
counselor.
Janie
had developed a very black and white view of where money should go and flatly
refused to support James or pay his tuition fee. James felt trapped and he
didn’t have any savings – Janie had control of their finances.
His only
choice if Janie didn’t support his new dream was to get a part-time job so that
he could somehow scrape together enough cash to pay for night classes.
Instead
of getting aggressive during dialogues, James used this option to seek Janie’s
help again: “If you’re not going to
support my studies then I’m not going to force you to do so. Just let me get a
part time job so that I can pay for it myself. Bear in mind however, that you
will have to cover for me here at home when I’m away working and studying.”
Janie
finally realizes that she’s not going to be in a very convenient position when
James finds a job to pay for his certification course and finally dips into their
reserves.
2. Your Spouse Flatly Refuses – Sometimes
people just disagree and they freeze the dialogue so that the other party won’t
be able to add more input. If your negotiation is falling short because of a
flat refusal from the other party, you’re dealing with what is called “internal
objections”.
What’s an internal objection?
Internal
resistance from both parties often mars problematic marriages, chiefly because
no one likes arguing and it’s easier to hide objections than to express them. You
can end this trend by gently asking your spouse about his/her decision.
Simple
statements like “I really don’t understand why you are refusing, could you
please tell me more about what you’re thinking right now?” The goal is to draw
out your spouse’s genuine feedback so you can both find some common ground
again.
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