Revitalizing a Tired Marriage

How can you rejuvenate and enliven a tired relationship?

In the many years that I have been advising troubled couples about how they can improve their marriage and maintain the intimacy in their relationship, one thing had become increasingly clear: many couples don’t know the first thing about truly nourishing an intimate relationship.

For example, I have met quite a few husbands who thought that as long as they were earning enough money, they’ve fulfilled their main role in the relationship.

I have also met my fair share of ladies who had become a little too focused on taking care of their children at the expense of their husbands.

How can you improve the state of your marriage?

You can begin repairing your marriage as soon you learn about the essential foundations of a good relationship.

Don’t worry – these guiding principles are relatively easy to learn and once you’ve mastered them, I can assure you, you will be able to apply them to your own relationship easily.

What are the foundations of a good marriage?

1. Love – Never forget that the sturdiest cornerstone of married life is love. Do not lose sight of this vital component of your relationship as it will help sustain both of you even during the toughest storms of your relationship.

What is real love all about?

Love is not just about cuddling, kissing or showering someone with gifts. Genuine love in marriage revolves around making the conscious choice to accommodate someone even in his/her weakest or most vulnerable state.

Genuine love is never idealistic – it knows that we are essentially imperfect beings and to seek perfection in a relationship is like adding poison to a well.

The search for perfection in your spouse and in the marriage itself will slowly leech through every aspect of the relationship to the extent that you will no longer be happy or satisfied simply because your marriage doesn’t fit into the “perfect” mold.

2. Balancing Expectations in Your Relationship – Expectations are quite normal in relationships because we are constantly searching for bigger and better things in our lives. Our expectations are actually cloudy reflections of our deepest desires and needs.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting things in your marriage. You are entitled to your desires, needs and ideas.

What’s the tipping point?

When excessive expectations begin chipping away at your marriage then they cease to be useful tools. Expectations become toxic and they will begin to cause strife and worry where there should’ve been none.

One way to combat excessive and unrealistic expectations is by practicing sincere acceptance. Acceptance is not about blindly following someone’s whims.

It’s about logically accepting that some things may not manifest in your life the way you planned it and you’re alright with this reality. Acceptance is grounded firmly in reality and it takes into account all sides and all parts of reality, not just one’s dreams and desires.

3. The Spirit of Adventure – In order to make your marriage dynamic and to allow personal growth within the structure of married life, you must make a conscious effort to live with the spirit of adventure. You must not be wary of change, especially if the change will benefit you or your spouse.

Are you afraid of change?

If something good comes your way but it necessitates major changes, evaluate the advantages of this novel new situation and see if your marriage will thrive because of it. More often than not, new positive experiences will indeed benefit both parties.

Do not be lulled into a false sense of security by old habits and routines.

We humans are drawn to equilibrium and it’s alright to want stability in one’s life. However, if your current stability stifles personal growth and happiness, then it’s not the kind of stability that your marriage needs.

You have to take into account not only your interests and desires, but also the interests and needs of your spouse.

What about conflicts?

You must always remember that conflict is inevitable in a relationship but this does not mean that you are not a good husband or wife. It just means that you are presently dealing with a normal part of married life.

Instead of shying away from issues and conflicts, what you should do is adopt a collaborative and problem-solving mindset to ensure that you are always ready to resolve conflicts whenever they arise. Do not allow conflicts to take root in your relationship – remedy them as soon as you can!