How can you “reprogram” your mind
to remove destructive thoughts and improve your married relationship?
In our
last article, we focused on “retracing the steps” of your mind as it deals with
different situations that involve your spouse. Again, this can be accomplished
through regular journaling.
A week’s
worth of journaling will reveal to you the exact thought patterns that occur
regularly when you are lonely, frustrated, angry or stressed.
How much control do you have over
your emotions?
Emotions
are powerful organic impulses that can influence almost every aspect of a
person’s life. This is the main reason why we have to make a conscious effort
to be aware of the raw emotions that accompany our thoughts especially
during times of stress.
If you
let your emotions rule your life simply because you feel that they reflect how
you “truly feel”, you’re going to have a very rough time trying to maintain a
harmonious relationship.
Your
emotions are actually complex reactions based on your general perception and unique
interpretation of events. People experience different emotions because they use
different sets of mental filters or frames of reference when
interpreting events.
In some
cases, a person’s mental filters can actually prevent a person from
accomplishing positive goals in life such as re-establishing a clear line of
communication with an alienated spouse.
Mental
filters, like our other mental creations, can be transformed to serve a
person’s present goals. If you want to transform mental filters that are harming
your relationship you have to know what they look like first. Below are
some of the most destructive frames of mind that a married person can have:
1. Chronic Tunnel Vision – When a person
has tunnel vision, he sees only a very narrow and limited version of reality.
Often,
people with tunnel vision attribute purely negative traits and experiences to
their spouses while blindly associating positive ones to anything outside
the actual relationship. Below are some statements that show telltale signs of chronic
tunnel vision:
“I’ve given up
trying to depend on her; she’s always too busy with herself.” (Husband forgets all the times
that his wife was dependable and instead he is focusing on all the times when
she wasn’t able to give the type of response or support that he wanted or was
expecting)
“He never spends
time with me and the kids – all that matters to him is his new job.” (Wife forgets the totality of the
relationship and how much her husband has invested in it, time-wise.)
2. Toxic Assumptions – A person makes
toxic assumptions when he always thinks that there is a hidden motive or secret
reason why another person is saying or doing something.
For
example, a man might think that his wife is being extra attentive to him
because she has been spending too much time with her friends and is trying to
distract him from this development.
In
reality, the wife feels nurturing because she’s noticed that he’s always tired
and fatigued when he comes home from work. A person’s true intentions are disregarded
in favor of poorly substantiated assumptions that may sometimes be malicious in
nature.
3. Illogical Intensification – Illogical
intensification occurs when a person habitually makes a situation far worse
than it actually is in reality.
This
behavior has 2 common patterns. The 1st pattern is when a person
exaggerates the negative impact of another person’s behavior. For example, a
wife may say something like “our whole vacation was a horrible waste of time
and money!” after getting into an argument with her husband.
When
illogical intensification occurs, she may fail to take into account that the
argument took place on the last day of the vacation and they enjoyed five days
of peace and enjoyment while vacationing together. The 2nd pattern
of illogical intensification is creating catastrophic, future scenarios out of
thin air.
For
example, a husband may exclaim something like “we’re going to be bankrupt and
homeless!” after seeing his wife buy new draperies, simply because deep down,
he feels that his wife is not allowed to make independent spending decisions
because he brings in a much bigger and substantial paycheck..
4. Negative Categories – Placing a person
in negative categories such as “selfish” or “insane” is one of the most harmful
things you can do in a relationship because it sullies not just your spouse’s
behavior but also his entire identity.
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